


kaleidoscope

by enbyabed



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, like mostly fluff, not that much angst tbh, sorry - Freeform, stevebucky - Freeform, trigger warning-suicidal thoughts and actions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-20 16:11:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19995031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enbyabed/pseuds/enbyabed
Summary: kaleidoscopenounka·lei·do·scopekə-ˈlī-də-ˌskōp1 : an instrument containing loose bits of colored material (such as glass or plastic) between two flat plates and two plane mirrors so placed that changes of position of the bits of material are reflected in an endless variety of patterns2 : something resembling a kaleidoscope: such asa : a variegated changing pattern or scene a kaleidoscope of colorsb : a succession of changing phases or actions a kaleidoscope of changing fashionsc : a diverse collection





	kaleidoscope

**Author's Note:**

> for kai and tabi:)
> 
> please stay safe, things will get better <3

the first time steve ever contemplated the brief idea of death, he was 9. he had finally been allowed to go play with the other kids outside. much to his ma’s worry, he had raced down the stairs and out into the brick square below their apartment as fast as his slim legs could take him. but the neighbours weren’t so friendly; their words not so kind. he had returned covered in scratches and tears. a heavy heart in his hands. 

that night in bed, he wondered what drives people to be cruel. he settles on fear, one of the few things anyone can understand so young. he wonders what they fear. is it the differences between them? or the lack thereof? is it the fear of what everyone knows of the end? or the lack of that too? the sky splits open and lets out a rumble. it starts to pour. 

the second time steve contemplates death, he is 14. his aunt had told him his ma would be out for the weekend, sleeping at her sister’s to be close enough to work double shifts at the hospital. he doesn’t understand how, but he knows what that means. 

steve is alone. 

he wonders about the feel of a rope on his neck. he wonders if it would make the storm stop. he wonders about the ceiling fan in his kitchen. 

bucky knocks harshly on steve’s door. he doesn’t know how he knows. doesn’t know how he feels it. bucky runs his hands down steve’s arms and back and holds him so close it hurts to breathe. steve sobs into his shoulder and bucky keeps blowing out hot breaths with his forehead pushed into steve’s scalp. steve doesn’t mention how bucky’s hands shake. he wonders if bucky has his own storm too. 

for the third time steve contemplates death, he is 25. on his 8th drink, he finally gives up on getting drunk. he wishes for the first time the serum didn’t happen. he wishes another bomb would fall on the bar. he wishes to have bucky back. it wouldn’t be the last. 

there are no strong arms to comfort him now. 

the next time steve contemplates death is three days later. he doesn’t hold his breath when the hydra bomber hits the water. 

when steve next contemplates death, he is 91. he can’t help but laugh at the irony that he just came back to life and he already wishes he hadn’t. the room given to him by shield is so beige his head feels fuzzy, as if the light brown hue were about to swallow him whole. then again, the future is literally bright. he’s not sure which he hates more. all he can remember was the ice was white, so were the glaciers, so are the pills in his large palm that doesn’t even feel like his own. 

it takes 10 minutes for the serum to reject the pills. 

at 94, steve contemplates death once again. this time, however, he knows he can’t give in. because for the first time, one of his wishes might come true. if bucky is really out there, at least one thing hasn’t changed. 

steve is 31, bucky is 32. they have been on the run for a year. but steve doesn’t contemplate death. in fact, he doesn’t even contemplate change. he is learning to grow around his past, not in the space of where it should be. 

steve turns 100. suddenly, ashes look a lot more like change than he’d hope. he doesn’t just contemplate death now, no. he’s absorbed by it. the intricacies in the way that it moves and chooses without judgement to those who deserve it. the ambiguity of the end to those who do. 

at 104, steve is no longer absorbed by death. it’s made a home in it, but he’s learning to tend to the wound without succumbing to it. he’s more fascinated now by the way that no matter how long you wait for the past to come back to you, a new life will grow around you, too. change doesn’t hurt him as much as it used to. 

steve is 36, bucky is 37. they’ve both become something new. but as always, they fit together in the most beauteous way. this time, they can hold each other. this time, they aren’t magnets, stuck. this time, they are vines winding together. 

this time, when the sky splits open, the rain is mixed with light. this time, a rainbow takes its place. 

this time, they live in their own kaleidoscope.


End file.
